This Woman’s Story Of Having To Poop While On A Date, Has The Internet Falling In Love With Her

Buzzfeed users were recently asked to provide their best diarrhoea stories, and this one really flushed away the competition!

The traumatic tale comes from mauram42 – to help with the flow of this story, we’ll refer to mauram42 as ‘Kim’.

The story starts out pretty normally – Kim recalls:

“It was my freshman year of college, and my antibiotics were wreaking havoc on my digestive system.”

Being her Freshman year, Kim decided to hell with her intestinal problems – she was going to have a good time!

“I knew I was going to be seeing a certain guy at a party, so I wore my tightest skirt and probably drank a little more than was advisable.”

After a few hours, Kim found herself on her way to the guy’s dorm room – which is where things become interesting…

“He had a top bunk, which required some maneuvering to get to, but we ended up making it up there and ‘hanging out’.”

“Due to my barely-contained gastrointestinal distress, I kept everything above the waist, for fear of losing my already-precarious control over my intestinal muscles.”

When the guy suggested that Kim should stay the night, she unwisely agreed. This is where things really went down the toilet. (Or not!)

“I had such a bad stomach ache that I couldn’t fall asleep. I decided that it was impossible to get down and back up to the bunk bed without waking up both him and his roommate, so…”

“When I was sure he was asleep, around 3 a.m., I very carefully parted my butt cheeks to release the most silent fart possible, but liquid hell came out.”

“I’m talking, like, that first splatter when you have diarrhea and you make it to the toilet and sit down and it just lets loose.”

“I panicked. I could feel my skirt and underwear barely holding the mess in (thank GOD I wore such a tight skirt – it was instrumental in keeping this mess from dropping out).”

“In my poop-induced panic, I gave him a hand job to distract him.”

Once he had… finished… Kim made her excuses and claimed she had to go home.

But the boy, bless his gentleman soul, offered to walk her home.

Kim managed to insist she could walk herself home, but he proceeded to walk her to his dorm room door. In the dark.

“I was as red as a beet from the embarrassment of having actually given a hand job as my big solution to this issue, and I needed to extract myself as soon as I could.”

“I walked home, across campus, with liquid shit running down my legs… and then I realized I left my keys at his place.”

“Thankfully, my RA was awake and let me into the dorm, in all of my diarrhea-soaked splendor.”

Fortunately, Kim learnt a valuable lesson – liquid courage should be avoided while taking antibiotics!

“Needless to say, I haven’t consumed alcohol while on antibiotics since.”

It somehow gets even better.

“I ended up dating the guy for almost three years after this happened.”

“And I found out a year ago that he had NO idea I liquid-shat myself in his bed that first night. He fondly remembered the hand job, though…”

Kim, you have both my sympathy and my congratulations, you absolute legend.